I'm making this "Now" page in the spirit of the about-ideas-now site, it's a page about the things I'm doing now, my current projects, and/or the things on my mind in the very short-term future.
I'm recycling a script for a video into this Now page, because i had it kinda abandoned, and i feel like it reflects my vibe lately, even if it's less detailed and more vague or reflective than other past updates (available on the internet archive, unless they've deleted them)
past
i learned that all i was was a "Big fish in a small pond", but even though i got to be the small fish in the bigger pond, i more or less stayed in that path and never really pushed out to leave it
i used to complain when my mom would buy me something that i thought was too feminine , i used to wear my hair short to be pragmatic
first album i remember buying was Random Access Memories, it shaped how i listen to music
hated exercise, liked to eat
ive always loved online minigames etc, but my "addiction"/deeper connection with the computer started probs when i got my own room at 14
i've felt left out / othered often, partly bc of being half japanese and ppl being racist but also maybe just personality reasons
i used to be so obsessed about cars and they were the main thing i thought about
present
i still feel like a big fish in a small pond in my studies, but now ive grown to dislike it and to sense more tension in the dynamics that form
im working on finding a style i like more that's more expressive, i now wear my hair long even if it's impractical because it's more in the direction i wanna go towards
today i listened to an "AI generated" playlist/album and on the one hand im intrigued by the technology but on the other im worried that it wasn't instantly recognizable as AI
lost 10kg this past year and im having a differnt relationship with food lately. i like to eat still but i can pay more attention to my body and to how things feel when i eat them, i think bc i found the direction in which i wanna move towards
im streaming once a week, i feel like i'm still not "entertaining"
right now i'm in germany and i still feel othered / like i don't fit in. it's my birthday tomorrow (i'm recording this the day before) but i'm dreading it a bit
now i'd say i'm less obsessed ab cars on the daily but they're still a "comfort" present thing in my life.
future
for the future i'd like to carve my own pond etc or maybe even be in a bigger pond
i'd like to find a nice balance between achieving a healthy body and also aesthetics i like
my wish is to find a style that i like as soon as possible but also to evolve it as i get older , to find the archetypes that i both like and that fit my journey
im not sure what role music will have in my life in the future but i have a list of ideas and i'd like to develop the still relevant ones, and perhaps integrate the old ones that have "expired" or call back to them
i'd like to find connection of all kinds and i do believe the internet is a place for that, but i'd also like a physical component
in the short term my future is here in germany for at least a couple of years, and i look forward to some aspects of it , but i do fear some others, and i'm pretty sure this won't be my final destination
i want cars to be a part of my life still but i think less of a centerfront focus 100% of the time and more like one facet of a wider picture that includes more vehicles (and more things outside vehicles)
constants and changes
I've never felt like I know enough about anything, but I'm starting to see that as a feature, not a bug, i don't think that curiosity will ever go away
i've always needed creative outlets but i've gotten more courageous / perhaps desperate regarding sharing
i've grown to value authenticity and expression over fitting in, clothes/style journey, and i feel like i'm staying that way
ive always been a poaster online, while i was sharing room with my brother, then after in other sites, then on youtube videos and comments, and twitter, etc
I've always felt othered in different contexts, and I'm working on figuring out whether that's something to change or something to embrace
cars will always stay with me, even as my relationship with them evolves or shifts "locus"
I've shifted from thinking that i could play life solo to realizing that everything good is a co-op game (at best), which is both obvious but also terrifying